The Truth of the Matter
by Snowy-Maplette
Summary: In which Gilbert tells corny jokes, and Elizabeta deals with homophobic assholes. Roderich is just there for the ride. One-Shot


_The Truth of the matter_

* * *

"This shouldn't take more than an hour." Elizabeta grimaced, "although it certainly might seem a lot longer." She added under her breath.

Gilbert shrugged and leaned back in his chair, "I for one hope we get kicked out by the fifteen minute mark. I hate Kevin. He should go jump into a croc infested kiddy pool."

Roderich scowled,"Crocodiles cannot fit into kiddy pools."

"Who said anything about crocodiles? I mean they aren't even that scary. I'd rather jump in a pool of crocodiles than a pool filled with nothing but smelly plastic shoes with holes in them, any time." Gilbert said as he arched forward and reached for his large cup of coffee. "Crocs are terrifying shoes, and there is nothing that you can say that will convince me otherwise."

Elizabeta just rolled her eyes and took a sip of her coffee, "Why am I the one who's stuck with the weirdos." she muttered under her breath.

Gilbert plopped a hand over his heart and mocked offence. "Lizzy, I thought we were friends!"

"Not so much as friends but as two people who have been stuck in the same social group since kindergarden." Elizabeta said without missing a beat.

Gilbert moved to argue with Elizabeta but then Roderich shot him a glare, prompting Gilbert to raise his hands in the air in surrender. "Heeey, I'm just here to have a good time, don't let me ruin your lovey dovey date." he said with a wicked grin on his face.

"This isn't a date," Roderich said after carefully considering his words, "We're waiting for Elizabeta's cousin to come as per the agreement that Elizabeta made with her aunt when she left for college."

Gilbert scowled, "I know that, Specs," he said, poking Roderich in the shoulder, prompting the bespectacled man to slap away at the albion's pointer finger, "Believe me these confrontations have been going on long before you entered the picture and I've been there to back Lizzy up every time."

Roderich raised a delicate eyebrow and turned toward the brunette next to him. Roderich didn't even have to say anything to convey his question to Elizabeta.

She sighed. "Yeah, that part's right," she finally admitted. "This whole business started when my cousin Kevin went to stay at our grandparents place in Budapest for the entirety of the seventh grade. Kevin and I never really got along so it was nice to get a break from his constant nagging. Everything was fine until the day he came home and my aunt decided to bring him to my house in order to have a mini family reunion of sorts to welcome him back.

Turns out that my grandparents that i have never really met before, and still haven't for that matter, were a bunch of weird bigots and Kevin came back thinking that being female was not a thing."

Elizabeta turned in her seat and gestured to herself, "So that kind of became a problem at the dinner table seeing as I am a girl. Funny enough, Kevin never insisted that his mom or my mom were boys, just me for some reason.

Anyway, there was this massive fight over whether or not I was a girl, which is ridiculous because I have always been a girl and it just became this giant mess. My aunt and cousin ended up storming out of the house before we even got to the main course of the dinner. And then came the epic phone battles.

My mom would call up my aunt and they would argue a lot, then Kevin would call me up and we would basically scream at eachother until my neighbors actually called the police because of how loud and noise our scream contests became.

Then I think there was this whole lawsuit between my mom and my aunt when I was in highschool, I don't really remember the details but it was a pretty intense time. I didn't really want to be a part of it so much so I tried to stay away from the drama as much as I could.

Then, during the last semester of my senior year in highschool when I had applied for all of the collages that I wanted and I was now waiting to see if I had been accepted to any of them, My aunt called me up. It was kind of surprising because she swore that she would never call my family again after that whole lawsuit deal that we had to go through during the first few years of me being in high school, but she did anyway.

She said that she was sorry about rushing to conclusions, and that she admitted that she may have gotten a little carried away and stuff like that and so she wanted to apologize directly to me for all of the trouble she had caused. The thing was, Kevin was still convinced that I was a boy, which again, doesn't make any sense to me, but my Aunt was hoping that I could talk some sense into him. She offered to pay close to 10 grand of tuition per year for me for college since she's loaded and stuff.

I am a poor college student, and the idea of getting so much money to help ease off my student loan debt seemed like a fabulous idea back then. So I agreed that every first saturday of every month of the school year provided that it's not on a school vacation or anything like that, Kevin would drive the hour and a half here so that he and I could have a nice little chat about the fact that he refuses to see that I am not a boy and that I am indeed a girl."

"Hehehe," Gilbert laughed wistfully, "I remember that lawsuit. Didn't your aunt back your dad over with her SUV at some point?"

Elizabeta slapped her face with the palm of her hand, "Of all the things your goldfish brain can remember, you remembered that?"

Gilbert smirked, "what can I say? I'm awesome like that." Suddenly, Gilbert snapped out of his casual seating position in his chair and sat ramrod straight with his eyes firmly glued to the entranceway of the cafe, "Is that Kevin?" he asked, turning completely serious.

Both Roderich and Elizabeta cranked their heads around to get a better look, after a few moment of observations, Elizabeta turned back to the counter and grasped her cup of coffee with both hands and stared at it as if it was going to give her all the secrets of the universe. "Yeah," she muttered darkly, "Yeah that's him."

For a moment, Gilbert frowned and then his expression flashed into a happy go-lucky smile. "HEY KEVAIN!" Gilbert yelled as he turned his fake grin on the grim looking man in a dark grey trench coat who looked repulsed at even being in the same room as the rest of the customers, "KEVER WE'RE OVER HERE!" Gilbert yelled, purposefully getting Kevin's name wrong. Roderich rolled his eyes exasperatedly and turned himself so that he faced the approaching form of Kevin.

"Hello. I am Roderich, Elizabeta's boyfriend" Roderich said smoothly introduced himself as politely as he could as he stood up from his seat and extended his hand in greeting. "It is a pleasure to meet you Kevin."

Kevin didn't immediately reach to grab Rodrick's hand for a handshake. Instead, he ignored Roderick's outstretched hand and chose to look Rodrich over from head to toe. Rodrich slowly lowered his hand down to his side when it became apparent that Kevin was not planning on shaking his hand anytime soon.

"So." Kevin finally said, "You're Ben's… boyfriend." He said condescendingly as he walked past Roderich and took a seat at the opposite side of the cafe table so that Kevin could keep all three of the other people in his line of vision.

Roderich furrowed his eyebrows as he sat down as well, "No I am not currently dating anyone named Ben. I am dating Elizabeta, your cousin who is sitting right here," Roderich gestured at the slender woman in the green ski jacket who was indeed sitting right next to him.

Kevin just scoffed and turned away from Roderich and faced Elizabeta, "Really Ben, why must you surround yourself with these kinds of people?" he asked her.

"What do you mean 'these kinds of people?'" Elizabeta asked warily.

"I mean," Kevin began, "these kinds of people," he repeated but this time he gestured at both Gilbert and Roderich. "Look. I know you're not a homosexual because deep down I know that you are a confused little child inside your heart." he finished as he daintily placed his hand over his heart.

Elizabeta just stared at him. Gilbert let out a repulsed 'Hey!'. Roderich raised his nose high into the air as if he a terribly nasty smell had invaded his nostrils.

"I am not gay." Roderich said with a certain amount of venom. "The only person who is gay here is the brainless one."

"Roderich," Gilbert gasped loudly, "How could you accuse me of such a thing!" he continued on with mock hurt in his voice, "How could you ever think that I'm brainless? I'm too awesome to be a zombie. But in the off chance that I ever did turn into a zombie I would totally bite you just so that I can drag you down to hell with me." Gilbert propped his elbow on the table and pointed at Roderich.

Roderich gave Gilbert and unamused look. "Only you could turn a conversation like this to be about a zombie apocalypse."

Gilbert smirked, "It's a gift, Specs." Then he turned to Kevin and regarded him as if the the other man was a dead rat. "I think that I would just eat you Kevate. You don't deserve to even be zombified."

"Elizabeta, why are these two… men here?" Kevin interrupted, getting more and more impatient as the topic of conversation kept flip flopping. "I thought that this was just supposed to be a meeting between the two of us, as per the agreement."

Elizabeta, who had been covering her giggles in her hand up until that moment, lowered her hand and her face grew emotionless as she gave Kevin a sideways glance out to the corner of her eye. "Well Kevie-dear," she began as she reclined back into her seat. "Gilbert has attended every single meeting since this whole 'path to a resolution' began, and how could I possibly tell my boyfriend," she put a certain emphasise in the word 'boyfriend' "that he couldn't come with me when he inquired as to where I was going? So, if you want to talk to me then you're going to have to talk in front of all of us."

Elizabeta didn't think that Kevin could scowl any harder than he already was. She was proven wrong, and not only that but his face began to glow a beet red color as Kevin steadily grew more agitated.

The brunette smiled, "We're a package deal," She said sweetly.

That statement seemed to push Kevin over the edge, and he just exploded in anger

He slammed both of his hand down on the table, causing Elizabeta's coffee to tremble, and Kevin pushed himself out of his chair. If looks could kill, Elizabeta would have been struck by a speeding train.

But concidering that three death glares were being focused on Kevin, he would have been ripped apart by a tiger, knocked off of Mount Everest and burnt alive in a raging fire.

"Alright I am sick of all of this pretending Ben!" Kevin shouted, effectively capturing the attention of the entire coffee shop.

"You! Are! Male!" Kevin said, punctuating each word with a forceful clap, "That's what you are that's what you've always been and what you're always going to be. AND NOTHING YOU DO WILL CHANGE THAT SO ACCEPT IT ALREADY"

Elizabeta couldn't take it anymore. She stood up out of her seat so quickly that her chair screeched back from the force. She leaned forward and slammed her right fist down onto the table, causing it to shake as if it was struck by a miniature earthquake. Elizabeta stared down her cousin then calmly and collectively said-

"I don't give a fuck Boi"

 **Author's Note:**

 **This is an incredibly late birthday gift for my friend suicidalgrapedinosaur (their birthday was in September) I think that this could actually count as a christmas gift at this point. Idk but the point is HERE IT IS! ON THE INTERNET! IN ITS FULL GLORY!**

 **It has always been my personal headcannon that Hungary is trans so here is a human Collage AU about it ^.^**

 **Please excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes. While I do try to edit my writing, I often overlook some details. It's a curse.**

 **As always I don't own Hetalia, except I do own Kevin I guess (even though he's one of my more assholery OCs) and anyone else that you don't recognize.**

 **Thank's for stopping by!**

 **Snowy-Maplette**


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